Why people should be more like dogs and sniff each other's butts

I spent some quality time with me, myself & I in the dog park today. I think I'm the equivalent of a child molester at a dog park, except I don't want to molest the dogs, I just want to be in their presence. I love when some dogs are clearly not into the other dogs and they randomly seek out strangers. This one dog came up to me and just sat next to me smiling, and he was clearly uninterested in the gang-rape of a Shitzu that was going on. He just smiled at me and tried to stick his nose in my bag. This shitzu must've sprayed on some Axe or something before he left the house, because nearly every dog his size in the park was trying to get it on with him. At some point a terrier was humping his FACE. His owners just kept yelling 'Run, Charlie, run!' like he was Forest Gimp Dog or something. I know to dogs, licking each other's balls is really no big deal, but this poor guy was seriously being sexually assaulted. This french bulldog was the lead horndog. Obviously he wasn't neutered, and was literally air-humping as he strutted around the park. No one would come forward to claim him, probably because no one wanted to admit that their dog was a serial rapist. The owner ended up being this quiet young girl. She kept apologizing to Charlie's owners and scolded her bulldog for assaulting every small animal in sight.

You know that scene in '101 Dalmatians' when Pongo is looking out the window and sees that all of the dogs look just like their owners? Well sometimes that's true. Sometimes I see Puggles that resemble their human parents. And sometimes I think that tiny little Nicole Ritchie-types look just like their neurotic Yorkies that they keep in those stupid little pocketbooks. I get it, I mean if I go more than a day without shaving I sometimes look like my Cairn Terrier. But you don't expect the dog rapist to belong to a tiny little girl in a dress. I rather expected to see some unassuming Jeffrey Dahmer-type come forward to claim him.



















Sometimes I envy the way dogs socialize. They see each other, sniff each other's assholes, and within minutes, it's like they've known each other for years. There are some people I've known my whole life that I'm not THAT comfortable with. Dogs don't discriminate. (Let's disregard the scene in '101 Dalmatians' where the puppies are in blackface. The purebred doesn't ignore the Puggle just because it's biracial. And have you ever known a dog to be homophobic? I don't think so.

Going to the dog park is like zen for me. It's like reading a book that drools on you and occasionally humps your leg. Seeing all these poor city dogs let loose makes me so happy. It reminds me why I prefer animals to people.

She's just not that into getting screamed at on the sidewalk

Dear asshole who called me beautiful, and then screamed in my face when I didn't reply;

I did not see your face, because I don't respond to creeps who cat call me on the street. But I'm sure you had an ugly mug that matched your hideous manners and frightful lack of respect for women. You're probably one of those sad types who lacked for love; maybe you weren't breastfed as a child or maybe your dad used to slap you around, so now because you feel so low, you decide to take it out on poor, unassuming girls on the street.

Men like you are the reason that women (especially in New York City) are constantly fearful, mistrustful, and wary of the other sex. These days, gentlemen are few and far, and it's gotten to the point where when I go out to a bar or a party, I've learned not to look for relationships, because most of the time the guy turns out to be a creep.

And you didn't really expect me to respond, do you? If I had responded positively, you probably would've either ignored me and make me seem like a fool, or else you would've become embarassed like the coward you are and pretend not to see me. And if I had snapped back at you or given you the finger, you probably would've just called me a bitch or a cunt.

We are not dogs. We do not respond to whistles, howling, fondling, or screaming. We are human beings. We are not your playthings, and we are not put on this earth for your amusement. What we want in a relationship is equality, and not to feel like we're your prize. We want to feel loved, but also give love in return. We don't want to be labeled. So if you think I'm beautiful, and you want to pursue something, ask me a question, what are my interests, what are my thoughts. Make eye contact with me. Look at me, and not my ass. If you're simply speaking out of your ass, then do yourself a favor and think before you speak. Unless you're a child who doesn't know better or you have some sort of mental disability where you lack obvious social skills, there is no excuse for behaving like a pig. I think I can speak for all females when I say if your porkish male ego is really that neglected, you should do yourself a favor and watch a couple of chick flicks and maybe perhaps have a hooker wearing heels stomp on your dick a few times so you get those unrealistic ideas of how to talk to women out of your head.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, get a life and go fuck yourself.

Love,
Jan

P.S On a side note, this particular blog entry is obviously targeted towards heterosexual couples. I would include lesbian couples as well, but frankly, I've never met a girl who screams at other girls on the street if she thinks that she's hot.

poop

Hello, my name is Jan (insert common jewish last name here) and I live in a country where more people care about who is American Idol than who is president.

Susan Boyle

I am so sick and disgusted by all of the hype over Susan Boyle. Don't get me wrong. From that 5 minute audition I saw of her, I think she's funny and she has a lovely voice. She's talented, but definitely not the most amazing thing since single packets of cheese slices. If it Susan Boyle was 'pretty' by American standards, she would not have as much of a following. The reason for the explosion over her is because everyone was so surprised that someone that didn't look like a movie star could actually be talented. And Simon Cowell and all of the other ignorant asshole judges, along with the audience, wrote her off as soon as she came onstage because of her appearance and her age. I find it extremely offensive that everyone had such a cathartic reaction once she opened her mouth and started to sing. The audience and judges were on their feet and screaming/clapping/crying within minutes. They might as well have been screaming, "OH MY GOD! AN UGLY PERSON CAN SING! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!" And the tears from the judges? Give me a fucking break. Let's ignore the fact that I have a conspiracy theory about that whole audition and think it was probably staged (I mean come on, it is reality TV. It's all about 35% real). But for what reason should America be moved to tears? Because someone with average looks proved that they have talent? What does that say about us as people?

Now she's an overnight sensation. She'll probably end up with a record deal. Which is wonderful for her, but it's terribly sad and pathetic how it all came to be. I think that Susan Boyle gets the last laugh. Because her sudden fame is based on the shallowness of a nation.

Crazy paranoid/schizo shopping rant

When it comes to shopping at my local grocery store, I am developing shopper's anxiety/paranoid/discomfort. Why? Because I am convinced that the cashiers/baggers are judging me.

But that's crazy, Jan, you might exclaim!

Think about it. How many times is a hungry, lazy college student with either too much or too little time on their hands going to go food shopping? The answer is just enough that the people who work there recognize you. Sometimes when I get home from school or work late I like to do some late-night grocery shopping for guilty pleasures such as fruit roll ups or gherkins, WHAT!? Are you going to look at my selections on the conveyor belt and give me that weird look?

What about the middle-aged guy a few months ago that bought a six pack and a bag of oreos? Do you think he was preparing for a big night out? I don't think so.

Or the child star I stood behind that was buying steak, milk, and coke in a little red wagon.

Or the girl that only buys really, really healthy vegetables sans preservatives (in which case she really shouldn't be shopping at this la dee dah store).

You can assume a lot about someone by looking at their food selections. If I didn't know me, I'd say I had some problems. Which I do. I just want to eat shit in peace! So what if all I'm buying day to day is fruit roll ups, apple sauce, oatmeal, carrots, hummus, granola bars, and water? You want to make something of it? I'm a picky eater with problems and I need sustenance.

Maybe I should start using Fresh Direct. I hear their stuff is fresh and direct.

Some thought vomit

I've been thinking a lot about things that we take for granted. The other night I went to a gala benefit for Our Time, a program that offers a save haven for kids 8-18 who stutter. The kids got to perform songs and spoken-word with various noted TV/Broadway performers. All of them were so happy to be onstage and so high-spirited. When they sang, they were confident and happy. And when they spoke, they struggled to get the words out, and some kids had worse stutters than others but they were still happy. They weren't frustrated or embarassed about their disabilities, and they were surrounded by hundreds of supportive people. One girl who was 18 gave an incredibly moving speech about how she used to contemplate suicide because she was never able to tell people what was on her mind, but now she is proud of her disability and was fulfilling her dream to speak in front of an audience that was actually listening to her. She proclaimed, "You have saved me" to us, and then declared that she was damned proud of her stutter. Her speech was incredibly moving and I'm pretty sure most people in the audience were crying. The speech would probably take someone who didn't have a speech problem about fifteen minutes, but it took her twice that time (maybe even more) because of the severity of her stutter. I've never really been around people who stutter, and not only did these young kids inspire me with their hopefulness and their love, but they really made me feel grateful that I can speak my mind and say exactly what I'm feeling. A lot of these kids said that when they were at school they didn't speak because they were afraid they would get teased. I can't imagine the frustration of knowing exactly you want to say and having the words on the tip of your tongue but literally not being able to say it. I've always stuck to writing because I'm not really comfortable with public speaking and I have a hard time organizing my thoughts and translating them into words. It's a personal flaw that I've always wished to alleviate, and now especially after seeing these little kids that spoke so proudly and confidently despite being tongue-tied and having an extremely hard time getting the words out. No one should ever have to live in silence.
http://www.ourtimetheatre.org/3_5.html

I've also been thinking of...spirits. Strange, yes, I've never really put much thought into the after-life, but something that happened the other night got me thinking. A music box in my room went off without my having touched it in ages, and when I told my friend Jolie who is really invested in that kind of stuff, she told me that I probably had a pleasant visitor in my room. Which really freaked me out, but it got me thinking about who else might be occasionally visiting me. I'm always thinking about the twin sister I had who was stillborn and wonder often if she is ever with me in spirit. I've never 'felt' the presence of another being, but I asked Jolie and she told me that my sister definitely watched over me, kind of like a guardian angel. Again, I don't necessarily believe in that kind of thing, but I'd like to believe that that's true. I'm sad we never got to meet...I reckon that we could've been great pals :).

Spoiled brats and other fools

I saw the most infuriating television show while sleeping over at Todd's house last night and it reminded me why I no longer own or watch TV. The show was on MTV (of course) and it was called 'Teen Cribs' and it was kind of like a prequel to 'My Super Sweet 16'; basically a bunch of spoiled brats show off their hugeass mansion and the ridiculously excessive bedrooms and whatnot they had. I have never wanted to smack the TV more than when watching this shit. Why is watching other people brag about being rich for half an hour considered entertainment? I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out.

The absolute worst was when this one hick girl went outside to show off her many acres, and she went over to a pigpen and introduced her pet pig. She said, "This is Bacon, and one day he will become our breakfast". Who names the animal that they're going to eventually slaughter and eat? My recently more vegeterian attitudes aside-that's just sick. 

And another guy was showing off his 'Game Room' and showed his first kill, which was a deer head that was mounted on the wall. He dressed it up like Bob Marley. This is my generation. I am ashamed.

Speaking of ashamed, if you've picked up a newspaper or watched the news recently (I haven't in the past 2 days, I had to learn about this on facebook), you'll see that my school is being featured because a bunch of students thought that taking over a building and waving a bunch of anarchist signs around would get Bob Kerrey fired. And like idiots, they called the police and the police showed up...and tear-gased them and beat them. Which admittedly, was uncalled for...but it's so embarassing to be associated with these buffoons. Just look up 'New School Occupation' on youtube and you'll see what fun a liberal arts school can be!