Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Why people should be more like dogs and sniff each other's butts

I spent some quality time with me, myself & I in the dog park today. I think I'm the equivalent of a child molester at a dog park, except I don't want to molest the dogs, I just want to be in their presence. I love when some dogs are clearly not into the other dogs and they randomly seek out strangers. This one dog came up to me and just sat next to me smiling, and he was clearly uninterested in the gang-rape of a Shitzu that was going on. He just smiled at me and tried to stick his nose in my bag. This shitzu must've sprayed on some Axe or something before he left the house, because nearly every dog his size in the park was trying to get it on with him. At some point a terrier was humping his FACE. His owners just kept yelling 'Run, Charlie, run!' like he was Forest Gimp Dog or something. I know to dogs, licking each other's balls is really no big deal, but this poor guy was seriously being sexually assaulted. This french bulldog was the lead horndog. Obviously he wasn't neutered, and was literally air-humping as he strutted around the park. No one would come forward to claim him, probably because no one wanted to admit that their dog was a serial rapist. The owner ended up being this quiet young girl. She kept apologizing to Charlie's owners and scolded her bulldog for assaulting every small animal in sight.

You know that scene in '101 Dalmatians' when Pongo is looking out the window and sees that all of the dogs look just like their owners? Well sometimes that's true. Sometimes I see Puggles that resemble their human parents. And sometimes I think that tiny little Nicole Ritchie-types look just like their neurotic Yorkies that they keep in those stupid little pocketbooks. I get it, I mean if I go more than a day without shaving I sometimes look like my Cairn Terrier. But you don't expect the dog rapist to belong to a tiny little girl in a dress. I rather expected to see some unassuming Jeffrey Dahmer-type come forward to claim him.

Sometimes I envy the way dogs socialize. They see each other, sniff each other's assholes, and within minutes, it's like they've known each other for years. There are some people I've known my whole life that I'm not THAT comfortable with. Dogs don't discriminate. (Let's disregard the scene in '101 Dalmatians' where the puppies are in blackface. The purebred doesn't ignore the Puggle just because it's biracial. And have you ever known a dog to be homophobic? I don't think so.

Going to the dog park is like zen for me. It's like reading a book that drools on you and occasionally humps your leg. Seeing all these poor city dogs let loose makes me so happy. It reminds me why I prefer animals to people.