Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The plot against America(n Apparel)

I have a problem. I think I have contracted a virus. And it goes by the name of American Apparel.

Before I go any further, before I am accused of being hypocrite, I will admit, I own about 5 or 6 items from this store. I'm even wearing a dress from there in my profile picture (it made my ass look like Siam, by the way). But I convinced myself that despite the fact that it was hugely unflattering, it was an essential asset to my wardrobe and life. Because it is an addiction. But why? Their clothes are overpriced, ugly, and designed to make a girl with an average body type (like myself) feel like they are a fat cow.

First of all, let's talk about the sizes. The tops and dresses come in sizes that go from XXSmall to XXLarge. In any other clothing store, I'm a small. In American Apparel, I am a fatass. The clothes are skintight and seem to be designed with every intention of highlighting every little hidden fold of fat or pock of cottage cheese ass that you might be trying to hide. Let's take this stupid little dress, for example:

I've seen this ridiculous cotton spandex number on girls of all body types. IT NEVER LOOKS GOOD. I don't know who designed this, but it doesn't 'flatter your curves'...it makes you look like a tube of toothpaste. And they're so tight that it's nearly impossible to walk in. I've never gotten a complex from a dress before. Maybe I'm just bitter because I will never look good in it. I've tried it several times, each time thinking 'Maybe this time it won't make my hips look childbearing and make my ass look like it's meant for skiing on'. But it just wasn't meant to be. And let's not even talk about the ugly color schemes. Yellow and white? Turqoise and blue? They don't even go together. So why is it that all of downtown New York hipster kids wear it all the time? Is it really that chic to wear skintight ice skating outfits and shiny orange spandex pants? Topped off with a shiny gold headband that makes you look like a dumbass hippie reject? A few weeks ago I saw a hipster kid begging for money in the subway, and he was clothed from head to toe in American Apparel. I wanted to grab him by his dumbass suspenders and tell him that if he sold his clothes he'd probably have enough money for meals for a week.

And what in god's name is up with the sizes? I spoke to one of the girls working there to ask why a size EXTRA small was translating to an extra LARGE, and she replied "I guess American body types are different here than they are in London". What kind of excuse is that? Not to mention when I bought an item of clothing (because let's be honest, ladies, no matter how much you might despise clothes, retail therapy is a sickness. And it makes you feel better) I was charged $12 extra. When I went back to ask for my money back, the same girl replied, "Um, I don't know I guess the cost is different in Britan and America hasn't caught up yet". Okay, so because Americans are fat cows we are also stupid enough to get cheated out of our money.

So why is it that I keep coming back to this store to try on the same dress, hoping that this time it will fit? Even though every time I've tried it on all it has done is make me feel bad about myself? Is it because I see so many people wearing it and unconsiously think, "Well, even though it looks awful, everyone else is wearing it, so I have to too". I really don't know. It can't be the advertising, because even the manequins in the store look like they're dying for air. Does anyone know? Is it really that when it comes down to it, I am that shallow? Because if that's the case, I'm not satisfied. And one day I will overcome my need to try on ugly, unflattering clothes that serve to make me feel large and insignificant!

But first, I need to buy this dress because it looks incredibly flattering and I NEED IT!


  1. "Is it really that chic to wear skintight ice skating outfits and shiny orange spandex pants? Topped off with a shiny gold headband that makes you look like a dumbass hippie reject?"

    and this is why i love you.

    And that dress is so chic, you should go for it.

    I just buy the low v neck t-shirts I have one in almost every color. They are addicting, but they are flattering too. It's hard for me to find something that clings to the right places without looking slutty yet somehow they work.

  2. yeah me too, i have a bunch of those flattering v-necks. they're all way too baggy and long for me, but oh well.

  3. What does AMERICAN apparel have to do with LONDON?????? this is Emily Tawny Milerz Cali btw.